The bumps in the night are stale and poor in 'Ouija'

Douglas Smith, Ana Coto, Olivia Cooke, Daren Kagasoff and Bianca Santos are pictured in a scene from "Ouija." © 2014 Universal Studios. All Rights Reserved.

I never used a Ouija board as a kid, but I gather the thrill of the experience corresponds with the fun gleaned from reciting “Bloody Mary” in front of a mirror three times. It's the fear struck from anticipation from what could happen, from the simple potential that there is something beyond the ethereal plane a person can summon with little thought put behind it.

“Ouija” — the movie based off the board game by Hasbro — kind of, sort of, tries to follow the concept of fear through anticipation, but it lacks two key ingredients to turn the concept into reality: any idea of how to create and sustain tension and anything worth being afraid of in the first place. “Ouija” is a horror film without the horror, which is a moderately nice way of calling it an idiotic muck of accidental comedy.

“Ouija” features a collection of 20-something actors with minor resumes (default lead Olivia Cooke stars in the much more interesting “The Signal” that came out this summer) paid to look and act like high school students before dying a terrible, terrible death. Spirits are involved somehow, and the eponymous preteen slumber party staple is used as a means of communicating with those dead spirits. Respected mediums Haley Joel Osment, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Patricia Arquette apparently were unavailable to moderate peacefully the discussions between the dead and the dull living. Also, many a shenanigan involving ghosts, games, geriatrics and gas lighters ensue to pad out the runtime.

“Ouija” is a terrible film on so, so many levels for so, so many reasons. Horror, though, is one of the more flexible genres, so usual deal breakers like bad acting, dialogue and even special effects – all on display here – can be glossed over with a solid atmosphere and a couple of decent jump scares to provide at least one frightening viewing.  

Even "The Woman in Black" had one decent scare in it.

That could have been the case had the filmmakers — writer/director Stiles White and co-writer Juliet Snowden — been able to, you know, throw in a few horrors every then and now to give contrast to the hilarious awful. What the filmmaker don’t possess (aside from way to break through the horror death knell that is the “PG-13” rating) is a talent for cultivating good horror. It seeps out during every moment of murderous climax, which they sell short by explaining the impending moments of doom and fear to the audience first. Take a scene in which a shadow just appears behind a character; instead of having the shadow jump at the poor schmuck that occurs anyway, White lingers on the image for several beats too long and allows another character to point out that it's right behind him before the attack begins. 

Also, perhaps setting a large amount of action to happen in the daytime in lieu of the evening or night would do a better job of establishing mood, as would a more discomfiting opening death and a plot that doesn't hinge entirely on people behaving like idiots. Those moments coincide with the multitude of plot holes that rise and flow like the waves on a beach of stupidity. 

In the deepest, deepest nether regions of “Ouija's” existence is a kernel of an idea of a notion for a theoretically pretty OK short horror film, one of those seven-minute, low-budget Youtube specialties that result in a nod of appreciation for the filmmakers behind it. That's still nowhere near enough to justify a feature-length film, especially one that fails on so many levels to evoke fright as this calamitous contraption of crap as “Ouija” does.

At least “Ouija” fails spectacularly, albeit not in a manner indicative of unreached grandiose aspirations and dreams. Rather, “Ouija's” failure is rooted in incompetence from just about everyone involved and it results in a pretty comical viewing experience with the right audience, like say a theater full of screaming high school girls. 

“Ouija” won't make you reconsider your thoughts on the afterlife or motivate you to keep a light on at bedtime, but it can offer a good time under the right conditions, at least as long as one doesn't pay $10 a head to see it.

Or you could stay home and watch the pros do it.

Review: One and a half out of Five Stars

Click here to see the trailer.

Rating: PG-13

Run time: 89 minutes

Genre: Horror

Ask Away

Target audience: Horror fans searching desperately for something to watch this Halloween season that doesn’t involve Dracula.

Take the whole family?: The PG-13 rating fits pretty well, as kids a bit younger than that might feel a bit perturbed by the loud noises.

Theater or Netflix?: Netflix so you can watch it with a group of friends, some mediocre liquor and an onslaught of jokes at its expense.

Do you believe in the power of the Ouija board? In a word, no. One of the film's funniest subplots though is the repeated undercutting of any critiques against it. The characters state repeatedly in the first half that they don’t believe the thing works. It doesn't take them too long to go all in on the device's power. Even the Youtube video of the man explaining away the Ouija effect is done poorly and, possibly, in a way that’s intentionally funny.

Watch this instead?: “The Shining” and Nightmare on Elm Street” circa 1984 are wicked effective supernatural thrillers, and either the Japanese or American versions of “The Ring” are much scarier than “Ouija.” For a truly memorable experience, though, seek out 1977's “House,” an impossible film to define or forget.

Just try and forget this image.