Stay away from 'Norm of the North'

Rob Schneider voices Norm in "Norm of the North." Image courtesy Lionsgate.

I'm not even sure where to begin with “Norm of the North.” I just do not know where to start with this wretched, aesthetically hideous little film guided by intellectual laziness and a star best known for making copies. “Norm of the North” represents much of what’s wrong with children's entertainment and movies. It fails on almost every conventional level, but does so in the least entertaining fashion possible. It's less of a train wreck than a toy locomotive spinning its wheels sideways on the edge of the track that was never going anywhere anyway.

“Norm of the North” is about a polar bear named Norm voiced poorly by Rob Schneider. Norm is special because he can talk to humans, just like his missing grandfather (poor Colm Meaney), so he's not really all that special, but whatever; it's the closest the film gets to offering him some semblance of uniqueness. He usually doesn’t employ his gift of gabbing with humans (although he converses interminably with everything else), but he is required to use that talent to save his arctic home from evil rich fellow Mr. Greene (Ken Jeong) who plans to build condos on the North Pole. For reasons that are known to somebody else, the mission to save his home takes Norm to New York City, where he pretends to be human and auditions to become the new corporate spokesperson and work with Mr. Greene’s morally conflicted assistant Vera (Heather Graham).

The plan, apparently, is for Norm to become so popular people will listen to him speak out against building in the arctic. It’s an exceptionally terrible idea and it backfires magnificently for obvious reasons. So Norm then has to do a few things to create a happy ending that saves his home, ruins Mr. Greene’s plans, brings Vera closer to her daughter Olympia (Maya Kay), saves his grandfather, and offers enough time for the stupid polar bear to dance. There are also lemmings involved in all of this; three awful, annoying, insipid lemmings who try ever so hard to pass themselves off as non-union Minions.

“Norm of the North” isn't as awful as it sounds; it's far, far worse. It's a garbage film made by clueless people and carried by a man whose most discernible talent is a grand ability to annoy. “Norm of the North” is an endeavor that feels as if it lasts forever but somehow can't even make it to the 90 minute mark. And, really, there isn't enough of a plot for the movie to make it that far; the film includes two sequences that repeat scenes from earlier in the movie and seven (seven!) soul-sucking dance sequences, including three in the first act. The filmmakers even toss one in after what could have been a tolerable ending because kids needed to see Norm do the so-called Arctic Shake dance routine one last time. The flashbacks and the numerous dance sequences are indicative of an undercurrent of laziness that carries “Norm of the North” to its uneventful, anticlimactic denouement. The jokes are frequently scatological in the least interesting fashion possible, or are outright stolen from films like “Austin Powers.” Much of what isn’t potty humor is weird in a discomfiting manner; there’s just something off about watching an orca consume a seal right after a dance scene. There's no real thought put into this film, no consideration for children's intelligence or their ability to pick things up instead of having characters just vomit out plot points via characters who never shut up. Schneider's Norm just chatters through this movie like a myna bird on pep pills, and what he has to say has less value than what the speed-addled bird would spew.

And yet “Norm of the North” still can't talk itself out of the abundance of plot holes that only strengthen the vortex of suck. The plot makes zero sense logistically and logically and requires far more complications than just having Norm come out as a polar bear who speaks human (human meaning English, because of course it does).

The stupidity this film possesses is mind boggling and frightening, and it treats the children it wants to entertain as dolts. The thing of it is, kids are not stupid; they can figure out emotional nuance and plot machinations without too much help from an adult. Then again, perhaps “Norm of the North” isn’t condescending to viewers; rather, the film needs to announce what’s happening so it knows what’s going on.

Review: A Half out of Five Stars

Click here to see the trailer.

Rating: PG

Run time: 86 minute

Genre: Animated

Ask Away

Target audience: Suckers.

Take the whole family?: Technically it is family friendly, although it doesn't quite work for the youngest set due to some poorly done adult humor.

Theater or Netflix?: No. Just no.

Does “Norm of the North” do anything right?: I kept the half star in there because there is a nugget of an interesting idea in using the condo scheme as a comment on gentrification. The execution fails miserably because this movie lacks the most basic levels of competency, but that little bit is just enough to keep it from getting a complete zero.

Watch this instead?: Almost anything else. To be more specific, watch the tremendous Cartoon Network show “Steven Universe.” An average episode – all of 11 minutes – has more heart, laughs and vibrancy than anything “Norm of the North” has to offer.