Nothing left in the tank

Ed Skrein brawls in a scene from "The Transporter Refueled." Image courtesy EuropaCorp.

As a kid, I had a habit of closing my eyes and wishing for something to come true. I would put a lot of effort into this practice, squeezing my eyes shut tightly while hoping to receive an ice cream cone or a Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card. I still do this sometimes as an adult as a lark, because in theory you never know what might happen.

It was only recently I learned this trick doesn’t work though, because I did my darnedest to wish for Jason Statham to appear on screen once again as Frank Martin in “The Transporter Refueled.” Instead, I kept getting an anthropomorphic ice sculpture called Ed Skrein, along with oodles of disappointment to go along with it. Luc Besson's infamous B-movie factory EuropaCorp didn't offer the British action bloke enough cash to return for a fourth “Transporter” film, so they found Skrein and asked him to whisper with menace as fell down around him on screen. Sure, the I Can't Believe It's Not Statham version of Frank Martin gets to punch a few bad guys amid a plot that makes many a logical leap of faith, but there's just something missing without the balding menace around.

He seems like an affable bloke though.

It's worth bouncing back into EuropaCorp to emphasize how entertaining the bloody studio can be at its best. Aside from the “Transporter” series – I admit to seeing just one, the rather engaging third installment – the studio has produced flicks like the “Taken” trilogy and “Lucy,” banana films that revel in utter ridiculousness for around 90 minutes. “Refueled” never reaches the craziness or zaniness of those other films; rather, it settles for a milder brand of action with fewer punches and roundhouse kicks and more scenes of people discussing things of little import to the rest of the film yet add a few precious minutes to the clock.

The plot, or whatever this film has that resembles one, is a rambling, rumbling mess in which Skrein's Martin gets involved with former prostitutes (headed by Loan Chabanol's Anna) seeking revenge against their vicious pimp (Radivoje Bukvic) who happens to dabble in all sorts of illegal goings on. Much of what happens is based on “The Three Musketeers” – the book is literally shown onscreen – and a little crisscrossing between the pimp and a few old cohorts. Along for the ride is professional That Guy Ray Stevenson as Skrein's father, a former spy and current romantic Lothario who is somehow insanely easy to kidnap. 

Like Princess Peach without the fashion sense.

Stevenson knows the movie isn't very good – films like “Refueled” have at least one – which is reflected clearly by a breezy, light-hearted performance that adds a necessary hint of levity to a rather dour movie experience. His cohorts, however, seem to take things a little more seriously and deliver their line readings as if someone killed a puppy in front of them right before the cameras rolled.

This isn't a necessarily a problem with the writing; the dialogue includes the requisite number of quips and banter to classify it as a modern action flick. Those lines, however, get a little lost in translation due to the heavy use of European actors from the more eastern areas, meaning English is not the first language of choice.

Skrein is the exception, a Brit who should have a rather firm understanding of his native tongue. But his one liners come out as if a dentist reached in and extracted them, and his personality never reaches anything beyond frozen agua.

It's almost unfair to compare the poor chap to Statham, the latter of whom didn't get enough credit for his underlying sense of humor until this summer's “Spy.” Statham's brilliant at exasperation, of indicating how he'd much rather be left alone than deal with all of the bad guys chasing after him with guns, knives and pipes. Then he'd dispatch said waves of flunkies and big bads with a flurry of punches and kicks, along with a withering glower and a growl in his voice while delivering the token corny quip. 

                                      Seeing it is way more fun than describing it.

“Refueled” still wouldn't be a good film with Statham in Skrein's place – the pacing remains a mess, as does the quality of the other actors and the lowly fight sequences – but Statham has a habit of resurrecting mediocre material. His presence would have added some entertainment to the proceedings, at least more than what the ersatz Skrein has to offer.

Review: Two out of Five Stars

Click here to see the trailer.

Rating: PG-13

Run time: 96 minutes (One hour and 36 minutes)

Genre: Action

Ask Away

Target audience: “Transporter” fans and people who enjoy trashy European films.

Take the whole family?: A fair amount of blood, punching and bullets to the brain make this a solid teen and older flick.

Theater or Netflix?: Stay at home and stream if you must.

How are the action sequences?:  Not that great. With a few exceptions – one being a kick through a car window – the scenes generally feature little ingenuity, innovation or even spark to make them interesting. They're sturdy, competent and dependable, which isn't nearly enough to cover for a film with the plot problems and poor acting this one has.

Watch this instead?: Luc Besson's, and by extension EuropaCorp's, filmography is deep, spotty, but crazy interesting when done well. A good place to start is Besson's “The Professional” – a model for the “Transporter” series and one featuring a young Natalie Portman and an insane performance from Gary Oldman. For a people searching for a little nuttiness, check out last year's “Lucy” or “The Fifth Element.” “Transporter 3” also has its moments.